JJBA Part ?: Alpha Renegade Star
by Hoshi no Kafei
Summary: A Joestar who is probably not the main character. A Brando who isn't the bad guy. A Zeppeli who doesn't die. A person who has no idea what's going on. And the entire timeline falling apart. Yep, this ain't your ordinary Bizarre Adventure...


"Good afternoon, this is Paula Plotpoint with today's news. We're here live in Morioh, Japan, where a Mr. Jotaro Kujo has been found dead. He was apparently on a downward spiral of painkillers since having his wisdom teeth removed. The only thing we found that he's done since is his self-published anonymous novel, _Jorge Joestar_…"

The TV inside the convenience store faded to static as Jordan exited through the automatic doors. Right nearby, two of her friends were hanging out and doing nothing in particular. One of them had her nose deep in an issue of _JoJo's Bizarre Adventure_ she had gotten from the library.

"Sorry I'm late, guys," Jordan said. "They were all out of kosher stuff."

The one reading the book lowered it. "That sucks, man. Besides, we can't have your family seeing that you're off your kosher agenda!"

"That's all right, Symphonie. Cress, you doing all right?" Here, Jordan looked over to the taller girl in the crop-top and studded jacket.

"What were we doing again?"

Cress wasn't a fan of JoJo, but she tagged along nonetheless.

Before the conversation could continue, a vintage white Cadillac bedecked with golden crosses and a Virgin Mary hood ornament rolled up and blared its "La Cucaracha" horn.

"Shit," whispered all three girls in unison as Enrico Pucci and Yoshikage Kira exited the car to fill it up.

"Where did you say we were again, Mr. Kira?"

"Cherry Park, California. **C H E W**" Kira took a bite out of his vegan panini. "A quaint little suburb, if I do say so myself. **C H E W**"

"I told you to get the meatball one!" Pucci grabbed Kira by the tie. "Eating vegetables is against Dio's teachings!"

Kira spat out his sandwich as he got slapped in the face with his comrade's tuna melt. Before he could throw any more hands (haha pun), he noticed the three girls over by the door. "Excuse me, but who are those?"

"What, you mean the Jewish-looking one in the garbage sweater, the goth who is clearly anorexic, or the one who looks like Kars in a slutty pirate dress?" Pucci lowered his sandwich onto the hood, over next to the Virgin Mary. "I haven't heard of them. But the one in the sweater miiiight be a Joestar…"

Kira, trying his hardest not to look like a sex offender, walked over to introduce himself. "My name is Yoshikage Kira. I'm 33 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Morioh, where all the villas are, and I am not married. I work as an employee for the Kame Yu department stores, and I get home every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don't smoke, but I occasionally drink. I'm in bed by 11 PM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm milk and doing about twenty minutes of stretches before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning. I was told there were no issues at my last check-up. I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like winning and losing, that would cause me to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight I wouldn't lose to anyone… And who might you be?"

Jordan was the first to introduce herself. "Jordan Giosenti. Huge fan of yours, Mr. Kira."

"My name's Symphonie Zeppeli. And that's —"

Cress unleashed a can of mace in Kira's face without hesitation. That was the gang's cue to leave. Behind them, they could faintly hear Pucci shrieking "That's what you get for being a vegan! You're going to hell!"

* * *

They were right behind the gas station when their conversation started up again.

"Did anyone notice that these people weren't supposed to be real?" Jordan began fiddling with her long blue side-braid.

"Or maybe they were right under our noses the whole time!" Symphonie gripped Jordan by the shoulders. "It must be that the government is covering up the whole stand using phenomenon and everyone who had to do with it!"

"Yeah, because I heard on the news that Jotaro died today…"

"Wait, Jotaro died?"

"Yep. Overdosed on painkillers."

There was a moment of silence while everyone looked at Cress. She clearly had no idea what was going on. It was only until later that she finally spoke.

"Can we get Hooters?"

The others cheered. They were all lesbians, but they had never been to Hooters before. So they convinced Symphonie's mom (Jordan's mom would have never approved of this) , because it was plot relevant, and they all went to Hooters.

* * *

They entered the Hooters, not noticing the crater and the fragments of space rock outside, and took their seats. ALONE. NO PARENTS. It was almost certain nothing too plot-worthy was going to happen.

And then something plot-worthy happened.

~AYAYAYA~

The doors parted, and there they were: four perfectly shrink-wrapped cuts of meat in white tank tops that stretched to their limits over their pecs and orange shorts that made their asses look like bowling balls vacuum-sealed inside one of those tacky plastic couches.

"Wait, the Pillar Men work at Hooters?"

Everything went quiet as one of them approached the table, an easily visual look of disgust on his face.

"Welcome to Hooters, mortals. Everyone said I had to get a job, so I took the one Santana bullied me into. My name is Kars, how may I help—GAAAAAAASP!" His scowl melted into an awestruck smile as he locked eyes with Symphonie. "You… are… so… CUTE! You look just like a little me, but smaller and softer and half of your hair is gold! Hey, can I keep her?"

This time, Jordan was the irritated one. "Hey, hey, hey! I'm the protagonist here."

"You're the protagonist, eh?" Kars pointed a finger at Jordan, pushing her back. "Well, you're on thin fucking ice, and your little goth friend too."

"Uh," Symphonie added, "that's Cress, and she's my girlfriend."

"SAME SEX COUPLES? Sweet mother of Speedwagon, you sure are a smart one! You can't have offspring with another one of your sex, can you? Already on your way to becoming the penultimate life form!" Both of them were then choked in a sweaty, beefy hug.

* * *

Jordan then had to leave the Hooters.


End file.
